In It to Win It

One day many years ago, when my daughter was 4 years old, I went to pick her up from preschool. When I arrived, she was crying, but not the 4-year-old whiny cry. It was the sobbing cry that made any mother run to a child’s rescue and potentially fight someone if necessary. When I asked her what happened, she cried, “I didn’t win.” I asked, “Win what?” She continued to cry, “I didn’t win the game.”

As I explained that it’s okay not to win as long as she did her best, her teacher came over and explained that the class had been playing musical chairs and my daughter won the first game. However, at the end of the second game when it came down to her and another child, the other child won. My daughter had a meltdown, and shut down musical chairs for the rest of the afternoon. The teacher said she tried to explain to her that she had won one of the two games and that was a good thing, but she was heartbroken and was inconsolable for the rest of the day. She was what some would consider to be a sore loser, but she was not mad; she was genuinely devastated by her loss. Later, when I was sharing what happened with my mother she said, “That makes sense to me. Who wants to lose? She was in it for the win.”

I had to admit she had a point. Although we teach our children to accept losses and move on, my daughter was having a hard time because she had won the first game, tasted victory, and loved every bite. When she lost, especially after winning the first game, she exhibited her distaste for losing. Today, as a teenager, she plays hard to win and although she does not have meltdowns, she still does not like to lose.

Realistically, when we think about it, who really wants to lose? No matter how competitive you are or are not, no one wants to lose. No one typically thinks, “I hope I lose.” Who goes into a game hoping to lose? Even the underdog has some hope of winning. Sometimes we may tell ourselves we don’t care if we lose, but that’s to prevent the sting if things don’t work out as planned. Honestly, what sense does it make to enter a game without a thirst or desire to win?

Politicians, athletes, and game show contestants do not enter the race or game if they do not have a desire to win and actually believe they can win. You have to think you are good enough to win. Whatever the game, competition, or race we enter, we enter it to win it. We enter it with victory as our goal. We believe we have a chance to win. Why should it be different for our children?

Looking back, I wish I had talked to my daughter about failing forward, and had supported, more constructively, her will to win. Since then, of course, our family has engaged in many discussions about courage, faith, resilience and grit – groundwork for a winning spirit, and have provided her with opportunities to help unlock her greatest potential. 

The will to win motivates us to learn and grow. When a team has a winning spirit, they are relentless in achieving their goals and will pursue them with a fierce ambition. Leaders can leverage the desire to succeed by fostering an environment where continuous learning and development are embedded in the culture of the organization to ensure teams are adequately equipped, knowledgeable and skilled. 

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